It's amazing and diminishing how we’ve attached grief only to death; meanwhile, grief is an all-encompassing term for loss and not just death- the loss of a job, a divorce, a cherished friendship gone sour, etc.
In recent months, I've felt almost the same level of pain and grief I felt in 2016 when I lost my mother. And no, I didn't lose anybody to death, instead, certain friendships took to the rocks. Some of the most wonderful friendships I had turned sour and we went from friends to strangers. It hurt me deeply and caused me great grief. It was like someone ripped my world apart again, and once again, I felt I would never love again nor pour my soul into another friendship.
It is very easy to speak to a bereaved and ask them to move on, especially when what they're grieving is not death. But then, It's not that easy to move on. Many of us talk about moving on like- well, moving on. In many African cultures and societies, we make the case for grief to last for a certain period of time when in reality, grief can last an entire lifetime. It restructures your entire life, and sometimes, throws you into the abyss and loop of regret and loneliness. You don't have the person to whom you run to when things get tricky. You don't have your confidant anymore, your go-to guy or in many cases, a one-time love of your life. In losing a father, for instance, he won’t be available for the father-daughter dance of his baby girl. In breaking up with a friend (platonic or romantic), you've lost your go-to person. And it makes life tedious.
We are so eager to tell people to forget others in a bid to heal. But grief's tactic is to strangle the daylight out of you with its unending choke of memories. In a platonic relationship, for instance, we try to console ourselves with the phrase, "friends come, friends go", but when you think of it deeply, you're left with the regrets of the energy, time and resources spent in building such friendships. We could never get them back and they become haunting memories.
You cringe at the sight of old pictures and wish things would just return to when they were. Sometimes, you want oblivion of all that ever was. The long nights are unending and the faces keep coming. I never knew suicidal thoughts were real till I felt grief a second time. I know people in my faith tend to deny conversations like this. We act like we are immune to these things like they can't touch us. So, when you say you had suicidal thoughts, they’ll think you've gone crazy.
This life is too good for you to decide nothing is worth living for anymore but grief will teach you otherwise. The death of a mother and the loss of a cherished friendship can inflict you with thoughts you never imagined in your wildest dreams.
Special shout-outs to Jaytee for sharing your journey with me. And to Adefunke, the Social Media Prophet, for the immense strength you’ve shown in recent weeks and finding it in yourself to heal.
This made me feel a lot of emotions, from being excited to being grateful for having experienced a friend like Seun to laughing at our picture. Some friendships transcend a lifetime